The 20 Best BDSM Toys and Kink Toys

With the popularity of books like 50 Shades of Grey, which swept the nation when it was published in 2011, kinky sex has become less and less taboo in mainstream culture. However, many people still hesitate to try kink themselves, even if they're kink-curious or fascinated by unique vibrators or kinky sex toys, movies, and literature.

"One of the most common misconceptions is that something is wrong with people for engaging in kinks in the bedroom and within their relationships, but that isn't true," says Lovehoney sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova. "Kink gives people an opportunity to explore themselves and their relationships on many different levels."

Kink is essentially any unconventional sexual practice and includes everything from bondage to roleplay to dominant/submissive experimentation. And contrary to popular belief, kink doesn't necessarily need to be all that out of the ordinary.

"In general, we still do not live in an entirely sex-positive society," says Angie Rowntree, Founder & Director of ethical, sex-positive porn site Sssh.com. "The definition that I’ve adopted to explain sex positivity is, 'All sex is good sex as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable.' This simple definition challenges some of the biggest misconceptions about kink—namely that kink is weird, strange or perverted (this is a word I particularly dislike!)."

If, like many of us, you've indulged or thought about indulging in kink in the bedroom, then you've come to the right place. We got in touch with a slew of sexperts equipped to answer all your most pressing questions about the best sex toys for kink, how to have a conversation with your partner about kink, and how to get started. 

Kink and Relationships

Many people see BDSM and/or kink as purely sexual and lacking in affection, but this misconception couldn't be further from the truth. 

Indeed, Frye-Nekrasova agrees, pointing out that care, communication, and trust are "deeply ingrained in kinky activities." She elaborates, "When you are safely and properly engaging in kinky activities, you have communication about what is and isn't okay between partners. There is communication in place so that everyone is heard throughout the experiences, and there is trust: Trust that someone will not take advantage of the situation or you, trust in knowing that the situation will play out as previously discussed, and trust in the partner."

Dr. Holly Richmond, who is a Dame Clinical Board medical advisor, somatic psychotherapist, licensed marriage & family therapist, and certified sex therapist, agrees that kink seamlessly blends into any consensual, affectionate, and loving relationship, and refutes the assumption that kink is necessarily dangerous, saying that, when coupled with thorough communication, "kink is the opposite of dangerous. Kink is thoughtful, transparent, and consent-driven. Because of copious amounts of clear communication, the possibilities for pleasure are endless."

She goes on to point out that for long-term couples, kink can be an essential aspect of partners' sexual repertoire, because it "offers the novelty that keeps things hot. Novelty is the seat of human desire, and for the couple in long-term relationships, finding things that are new or provide a sense of adventure in the bedroom (or elsewhere!) isn’t always easy. Kink is an ideal solution for bringing freshness back to a solid relationship where things have, perhaps, gotten a little stale."

Kink and Safety

Although kink is fabulous when safe and consensual, as with all sexual activities, it's important to practice safety and to consistently check in with one's partner(s) during sex—especially with acts like pain-play, BDSM, and role-play. 

"Submission never means 'non-consensual' or 'reluctant,'" says Rowntree, encouraging partners to communicate with complete openness before, during, and after sex, and suggesting that those interested in "serious BDSM play" take classes and connect with the BDSM community in order to thoroughly educate themselves on ensuring safety.

One well-known way of establishing sexual boundaries within kink, for example, is using safe words.

"When people play with power and sensation in a sexual, body-based way, safe words ensure that the sensations are always pleasurable rather than hurtful. For some people, pain is part of their sexual repertoire, but pain is also an essential part of how they experience pleasure. Anything that feels hurtful or especially uncomfortable—physically or emotionally—has the capacity to be paused or stopped with a safe word," says Dr. Richmond. "Be sure to choose a word that isn’t “stop” or “no” since those are often part of power dynamics or role-playing scenes. My clients tend to choose a word that is unlikely to come up in a sexual scenario, like 'violin,' 'poddle,' or 'sidewalk.'"

Sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A., sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers, adds that safe words don't even need to be words—especially if your kink of choice involves gagging or if you have difficulty verbalizing yourself during sex. She suggests, "You can do things like hold your hand out, a fist up, or even tapping out."

Finally, be sure to communicate with your partner(s) after sex as well—particularly if you really liked or disliked something that they did. This both keeps you safe and guarantees satisfying, uninhibited play in the future. 

Deals on Kink and BDSM Toys

Best Kink and BDSM Toys For Beginners

The world of kink is vast, and can be accessible to all people, regardless of their level of experience, so long as one moves at a gradual pace that ensures the comfort and safety of all parties involved.

"BDSM/kink is a large encompassing genre of sexual practices, and there’s plenty of space to explore for adults at all levels of experience," Rowntree confirms. "For instance, blindfolding a partner with a scarf, or tying their hands together - that is kink. Tickling them with a feather is kink, but so are the more elaborate forms like rope bondage, suspension, flogging, etc, which should never be attempted without proper training."

So if you and/or your partner(s) are new to kink and want to start with something on the tame side, check out some of our favorite products below that are perfect for the kink-curious.

Dame The Power Trip Kit

Dr. Richmond advises, "As you begin to explore, remember bigger, faster or stronger is not always better!" Thus, she specifically recommends this kit for beginners for its ability to help partners gently explore each other's preferences and for the fact that it includes a natural, aloe-based lube for safe, smooth fun. It also includes two of Dame’s most popular vibrators, one of which is meant for g-spot stimulation while the other is meant for clitoral stimulation (but is also gender-inclusive and can provide external pleasure to any and every body). 

Pros: expert-approved; three products for the price of one; inclusive of all anatomies; beginner-friendly

Cons: vibrators are made from silicone, so are not compatible with silicone-based lubes

Customer Review: "Extremely happy with this!!! It is very comfortable; the material is extremely soft and it's easy to hold. It reaches all the right spots, great for solo or couple play. Has definitely added an extra level to the bedroom for my partner and I." -Dame

Lovehoney Oh! Feather Tickler

As Rowntree mentioned, a feather tickler is a great gateway to kink. Being that it doesn't induce pain of any sort and is non-penetrative, it's a fairly innocent, playful way of thinking outside the box when you're between the sheets. For users of all experience levels, it’s a great way of heightening anticipation through teasing, and it can heighten sensation when used in tandem with sex toys or with partnered sex itself. It comes in both purple and black, and has an eight inch long handle that reviewers say is comfortable to hold.

Pros: great for beginners; affordable; easy to use; expert-approved

Cons: some users wish it had a longer handle

Customer Review: "My wife and I enjoy using this when giving each other a massage. Feels great when blindfolded. Is super soft to the touch, and the short handle makes it easy to hold. Would highly recommend to couples."

Happy Rabbit Clitoral Pleasure Kit

This kit includes a clitoral vibrator, a soft blindfold, a menthol pleasure balm, and a cute, unassuming silicone carrying case that makes it perfect for a weekend getaway. In particular, reviewers laud this kit for its quiet yet tremendously effective rabbit vibrator, which is made from silicone, has a battery life of 60 minutes, and is USB-rechargeable. The pleasure balm, meanwhile, is made from a number of natural ingredients including cocoa seed butter, shea butter, grapeseed oil, and sweet almond oil. 

Pros: great introduction to temperature play, comes with a carrying case; three sex products for the price of one

Cons: vibrator is silicone, so is not compatible with silicone-based lube

Customer Review: "This kit is great and the packaging is lovely, would make a brilliant gift. The bullet is really powerful and the balm is absolutely amazing, really increased the intensity of the orgasm. The storage case is fantastic and could be used for so many other things." -Lovehoney

Sportsheets Shadow Sparkle Collar & Cuff Set

According to one reviewer, this set is ideal for beginners. They said that their partner, a bondage "first timer," was comfortable with both the feel of the collar and cuff as well as the length of the chain. You can also rest assured that the collar and cuffs contain metal that’s completely nickel-free, and both can be detached from the matte black chain if that makes the wearer more comfortable. Finally, it’s completely adjustable, so the wearer can decide what makes them feel safest—and what turns them on the most. 

Pros: good for beginners; adjustable; made from nickel-free metal; detachable

Cons: none found

Customer Review: "Cuffs and collar were very comfortable. The chain length also provided comfort to my partner who is a fist-timer at bondage." -Babeland

Best Kink and BDSM Toys for Spanking and Impact Play

Spanking and flogging are probably among the first sex acts you think of when you think of kink. These acts can be immensely pleasurable for both the giving and receiving parties, but they still have a reputation as violent.

"Probably the biggest misconception is the way in which safe, sane and fully consensual BDSM play has been equated with abuse or violence, or that BDSM is only about sex," says Angie Rowntree. "Many people simply do not understand what BDSM is."

If you're interested in spanking or being spanked, try starting with using your hands to lightly smack your partner—with their consent, of course—once things have begun to heat up. Marla Renee Stewart also suggests taking classes on sexual flogging and spanking in order to master a technique by which you avoid hurting your partner. 

"Once you feel good about that, you can move on to a spanking instrument," she says. Keep scrolling to check out a few of our favorites.

Cal Exotics Scandal Flogger

Stewart specifically recommends this flogger, saying, "Using a flogger can be pretty good, too, because some floggers are softer and you can hit harder with your lover feeling that it might not be as hard." This is because of its soft polyester tassels, which don’t necessarily need to sting the receiver upon impact (depending on the level of force applied) and can also be used for gentle stroking, tickling, and teasing. The flogger also features a comfortable handle that’s easy to grip.

Pros: good for all experience levels; 

Cons: some, more experienced users wish it was more intense

Customer Review: "Was soft enough for easing into a new experience but still offers some sting when needed. Handle is well made and has a good grip." -Lovers

Lovers Sex & Mischief Riding Crop

Riding crops, like floggers and paddles, are used for spanking and stroking. Unlike floggers, however, riding crops are made from firm leather or polyester and have little to no give, making them perfect for those who enjoy intense impact play (like spanking) and are a little more experienced. This particular crop is another of Stewart's recommendations for when you "start experimenting," and is 10 inches long and made from vinyl and ABS plastic. It has a five-star rating on Lovers’ website and is affordable to boot.

Pros: great length for customizable play; expert-approved; made from durable material

Cons: not as soft as real leather

Customer Review: "This works great. Me and my girl have a average size flogger, that she loves but I find it’s too long to use during sex. I found this to be a great length for multiple points of contact as well it’s a slight sting that makes her crave more. Highly recommend." -Lovers 

Sportsheets Baby Paddle

Paddles, like riding crops, are made from firm leather or vinyl and, because they have less give than floggers, they result in a harsher sensation when used for spanking. Many paddles also have textured text on them so that they leave temporary marks on the receiver’s skin—in this case, the word BABY, which is written backwards on the paddle so that it displays properly on skin. The paddle made from durable vinyl and even features a wrist strap for the paddler so that it doesn’t budge during use. 

Pros: long handle; features a wrist strap; great for kink play

Cons: inflexible handle

Customer Review: "Spanking good time—It made quite an impression on me." -Babeland

Rubber Girl Latex Spanking Panties

Looking to invite some spanking? Then check out this flattering pair of underwear, which provides full coverage in the front but has a completely exposed back made specifically for easy spanking and/or anal play. Reviewers also say it’s incredibly flattering, with one pleased customer calling it "the sexiest butt lift money can buy." The underwear is made from flexible latex—perfect for kink play and for that classic BDSM look, though, of course, not intended for longwear. 

Pros: flattering; makes kink and sexual play more convenient

Cons: not suitable for those with latex allergies or for use with oil-based lube (oil based lube can degrade latex)

Customer Review: "These do a great job of showing off your butt in a sexy way. I got a size up so they were easier to get on and, of course, off." -Lovehoney

Toys for Bondage and Sensory Deprivation Play

Angie Rowntree cites "blindfolding a partner with a scarf, or tying their hands together" as a great form of kink for people of all experience levels.

"If you’re looking at 'beginner' BDSM sex toys," she continues, "try out some handcuffs (they make soft, adjustable ones with velcro restraint so no worrying about a lost key!), or a sexy satin blindfold to experience sensory deprivation, or explore impact play with a paddle or riding crop. You can frequently find 'beginner bundles' of BDSM toys in many sex shops."

Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraint System

"We love Sportsheets for safe and discreet 'under the bed' BDSM restraints," says Rowntree. The brand offers a number of restraints for tying up arms, legs, or both, but this particular option is perfect for those who want to keep their restraints out— while also keeping it subtle. They can be set up with any bed of any size and stored beneath the sheets or beneath the bed frame itself. Plus, they're easy to set up and remove, making them the perfect on-the-go toy for the kinky couple.

Pros: adjustable; portable; subtle; easy to set up and use; expert-approved; fit all mattress sizes; include quick-release clips

Cons: none found

Customer Review: "It is easy to fit and discrete to leave in place permanently—just push the straps back under the mattress. It fitted my king size bed fine. The straps and cuffs look well made and durable—and don't look like the should break easily. The cuffs are comfortable enough to use quite tightly, and pull against, without causing injuries. It was certainly a turn on to see the cuffs out on the bed ready for use, and using it was even more of a turn on. It is also possible to manage a few different restraint positions with it, depending on how you position the restraints in relation to the mattress and also how the person is positioned. It all this was a really good buy, and one that I think will get a lot of use and should last a while." -Lovehoney

Lovehoney Black Furry Handcuffs

If you’re interested in solely restraining your wrists (or your partner’s), or if you want to experiment with bondage that doesn’t involve being tied down to the bed, consider a comfortable pair of sexy handcuffs. "If you want to dip your toys in bondage I always recommend [these] furry cuffs as a starting point," says Frye-Nekrasova. "The key to picking toys out as a newbie is materials and softness. If you don't know yet the form or intensity to use with toys, using a softer material is better." Indeed, this pair is plush and comfortable, latex-free, and comes with a quick-release lever.

Pros: expert-approved; has a quick-release lever; secure lock; comfortable; adjustable; affordable

Cons: some users found them heavy

Customer Review: "This is an easy way to add some adrenaline into your sex life. I really like that there’s a safety lock so you can easily set yourself free if need be. I would recommend this to someone who is new to bondage and isn’t sure where to start!" -Lovehoney

Lovehoney Bondage Boutique Medium Silicone Breathable Ball Gag

Ball gags are often enjoyed by people who are more experienced with bondage. They’re worn over the mouth, with the ball in one’s open mouth, so purchasing one that’s comfortable, high-quality, and safe should be top priority. According to reviewers, this option from Lovehoney is breathable, that it’s comfortable for longwear (relatively speaking), that the high-quality strap stays secure, and that it's "perfect for all experience levels." One person also notes that the strap never gets caught in their partner's hair—something that should assuage the concerns of long-haired people everywhere.

Pros: comfortable; breathable (there are three holes in the ball)

Cons: can induce drool

Customer Review: "I have searched for a long time to find a ball gag that not only allows you to breathe but is also very comfortable for your lips. I find a lot of ball gags pinch or scratch at the sides of your mouth but this one was perfect." -Lovehoney

DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Lockable Female Chastity Belt

Just as a blindfold or a pair of handcuffs can increase the temperature and enhance sensation in the bedroom, orgasm deprivation or delay can increase urgency when you're with a partner. This adjustable, modern-day chastity belt is designed to prevent vaginal and anal play, so that by the time you and your partner are ready to get going, you're both positively aching for it. The item also comes with optional chastity locks for added security, and it’s padded for optimal comfort. 

Pros: padded for comfort; optional locks; adjustable waistband; heart-shaped detail for teasing

Cons: leather is stiff in the beginning, before repeated/prolonged wear

Customer Review: "I had been searching for a chastity belt for a while. I was looking for something leather and feminine which was proving hard to find. This is a great real leather piece and is very good quality for the price. After reading the size description I was worried it may be too big (I’m a size 10) but when I tried it on it fit perfectly and could be made smaller so would definitely work for a size 8. It’s comfortable and the leather is smooth. It’s easy to put on and looks amazing. The little peek a boo heart shows just enough skin but doesn’t allow any stimulation as it’s too high. Perfect piece for anyone who wants to introduce teasing into their bedroom play. " -Lovehoney

Toys for Nipple Play

Nipple play is a great way to get started with kink, since nipples are erogenous zones that you've likely already had experience stimulating. If you're interested in exploring beyond standard caressing and sucking, try nipple toys to experiment with different sensations. "If you don't know yet the form or intensity to use with toys using a softer material is better," suggests Frye-Nekrasova. Then, feel free to experiment with clamps, silicone toys, and other products, like the ones below.

Lovehoney Perfect Pair Silicone Nipple Suckers

Frye-Nekrasova recommends these soft, easy-to-use nipple suckers for beginners to nipple play. They're made of smooth, hypoallergenic silicone to ensure comfortable, seamless fun, and are especially easy to use when paired with lube (so long as it’s not silicone-based lube, which degrades silicone toys). For best results, Lovehoney recommends that users apply water-based lube to the rims of the nipple suckers and then secure them to the nipple for up to ten minutes before removing. After removal, the nipples will be highly sensitive, amplifying the pleasure of touch.

Pros: comfortable; soft; hypoallergenic; easy to use and clean; enhance sensation

Cons: some users found them difficult to keep on; not compatible with silicone lube

Customer Review: "These little devices are a game changer. I like to pop them on whilst my partner is giving me oral for extra stimulation and they also help my nipples stay erect for longer." -Lovehoney

Lovehoney Tease Me Adjustable Nipple Clamps

Clamps are great options for those who are more experienced with nipple play or who prefer pinching sensations over stroking and sucking. These clamps are among Frye-Nekrasova's top recommendations, and they’re also beloved by reviewers. Not only do customers say that they enhance pleasure and make nipples more sensitive to touch, but they also enjoy how cute their heart-shaped charms look. Rounded out and designed to be gentle, they’re also completely adjustable, hypoallergenic, and are made from nickel-free metal.

Pros: adjustable; gentle; hypoallergenic; expert-approved; nickel-free; secure once on

Cons: some users say they can be tricky to get on

Customer Review: "These are super good for beginners, they are really easy to use and adjust so you can find the perfect amount of pressure. They absolutely heighten orgasms! They're also really discreet and look cute on, I found that they were very unintimidating. The silicone is really soft too." -Lovehoney

Cal Exotics First Time Fetish Nipple Teasers

These nickel-free metal nipple clamps are also great options for those who like intense nipple play—particularly those who like a more traditional BDSM look, considering the long, chunky chain that attaches the two clamps. Their tips are lined with rubber that’s easy to slip on and off so that users can determine the texture and intensity of the pressure, and the tension level is adjustable as well. Reviewers are very enthusiastic about this product's efficacy, writing that it’s comfortable, easy to adjust, and great both beginner and advanced nipple clamp users.

Pros: great for all experience levels; adjustable; removable rubber covers; top-rated

Cons: none found

Customer Review: "The material used is soft, making them comfortable. The spring pressure is strong enough so they stay in place, but the screw can be adjusted to reduce or increase pressure." -Adam & Eve

Adam & Eve Chain Me Up Kink Clamps

Many people who enjoy the pinching sensation of nipple clamps also enjoy pairing them with a clitoral clamp, and this toy combines both into one. Each clamp is covered in soft rubber to avoid irritation, and all three are completely adjustable so that you can customize your experience. The clamps are united by metal chains that culminate in a single rins, all of which are made to be dense and heavy to optimal stimulation. Those who want to heighten pleasure even further can pull on the central ring (or ask their partner to), which stimulates all three areas at once.

Pros: comfortable rubber clamp covers; stimualtes three erogenous zones at once

Cons: may not be suitable for beginners

Customer Review: "I love this the chains are pretty long but you can always take some links out of use them for pulling on. The clamps are soft and steady and stay on great. I love that they are adjustable." -Adam & Eve

Toys for the Kink Experts

Whether you're an aspiring kink connoisseur or you're already a BDSM sexpert, it's important to pay attention to the quality of a toy before you try it out. Below, we've listed some of the best, most highly rated toys for the kink-advanced. 

Sportsheets Door Jam Sex Sling

Sex slings and swings allow users to access new angles and positions that might be uncomfortable or unsustainable on a bed. They’re also great for achieving faster, deeper g-spot stimulation during sex, and this one is easy to install in any room—simply hook it over a sturdy door, and you’re ready to go. Reviewers rave that it’s comfortable and easy to use, especially considering its foot straps, hand grips, and padded seat. Plus, it supports up to 325 pounds and can be adjusted to suit any and every body.

Pros: adjustable; comfortable; easy to use; easy to install (no hardware required)

Cons: needs to be used on a sturdy, solid (not hollow) door

Customer Review: “Takes all the weight off your lower back so there's no strain. Also it's really fun to sit in there! I could take a book in there." -Babeland

ElectraStim Bi-Polar ElectraPaddle Leather Spanking Paddle

When you think of impact play, you likely think of traditional floggers, paddles, and whips, but many kink and BDSM enthusiasts also enjoy electrostimulation play, which mimics the sensation of having small electric shocks. This leather spanking paddle combines impact play with electrostimulation by incorporating three metal conductor pads into the paddle, which safely administer a topical electric current to the receiver. Reviewers say it’s great for both experienced users as well as those who are new to electrostimulation, and that it’s great for foreplay.

Pros: good for different experience levels; can be used as a normal paddle and for electrostimulation; easy to clean

Cons: some users say it can be confusing to set up; should not be used on those who have heart conditions or are pregnant

Customer Review: "This literally awoke every nerve ending, every time the plates and paddle came in contact with my buttocks it gave a short but deeply erotic tingle that ran through my skin and gave me immense pleasure. It is not recommended using this particular paddle for heavy spanking but instead alternating the level of power...Overall, this has to be my favorite ElectraStim toy. I love the versatility and how this amazing piece of equipment can turn from an ordinary paddle to a paddle of electric ecstasy in just a few seconds...As with all ElectraStim equipment, you must be extremely careful when using, the paddle for example cannot be used above the waist or with people who have heart conditions or who are pregnant...Be it a heavy BDSM session or some erotic foreplay, this amazing paddle brings highly stimulating sensations into the bedroom and is not to be missed out on." -Lovehoney

Sportsheets Leather Collar and Leash Set

Leather collars and leashes are among the most popular and iconic sex toys for kink and BDSM play, and a great addition to the sex collection of anyone involved in intense dominant/submissive roleplaying. This option is made from studded black leather that’s lined in order to be comfortable for the wearer. Crucially, it’s also adjustable, featuring Velcro strips that are easy to use so you can quickly adapt the collar to fit just right. Reviewers love how comfortable and durable the piece is, as well as how long the leash is (42 inches!). 

Pros: comfortable; lined; adjustable; durable; long leash; gender neutral

Cons: none found

Customer Review: "Strong and gender neutral: I like that it is not too masculine or feminine and it holds together well. It is also adjustable for different neck sizes." -Lovers

Doc Johnson Japanese Hot Wax Drip Bondage Candles (3 Pack)

Another exciting way to spice up a relationship in the bedroom is to use massage candles. These hypoallergenic, body-safe candles allow one partner to drip hot wax onto the other, resulting in a stimulating sensation that doesn’t leave a burn or lasting mark (any redness should go away in 12 to 24 hours). Then, the wax can be used as massage oil once it cools down. To use these, all you need to do is hold the candle about 18 inches away from your partner’s body and let it drip.

Pros: affordable; highly rated; latex-free; wax can be used as massage oil

Cons: leaves a temporary mark; wax can't be used as lube 

Customer Review: "Using these whilst tied up is amazing! Having no idea where the wax is going to fall and sting really helps add to the excitement. The candles leave a nice red mark that lasts for a good few minutes. This looks amazing from both the subs and doms position...As for cleaning up afterwards, It could not be any easier! All you have to do is peel it off your skin. We did have a little trouble when some wax landed on our bed sheet, but all you can do for that is be more careful next time." -Lovehoney

For more, visit our Sexual Wellness section, where we unpack topics around consent, kink, sex toys, and more so you can have your safest and very best sexperiences yet.

Starting The Conversation

If you know that you're interested in kink, it might be nerve-wracking to bring your desires up to a partner that you've heretofore had more traditional sexual encounters with. There are communicative, positive, and fun ways to talk about your fantasies, though—without making your partner feel attacked or defensive. 

"It is most effective to share what you like and what you would like to explore, rather than pointing out aspects of the sexual relationship that you don’t like or are bored with," says Dr. Richmond. The goal is to help your partner stay engaged rather than get defensive. Leading with curiosity and kindness almost always ensures this."

For instance, she recommends opening the conversation by asking one's partner if there is anything they would like to try. "By asking them what they are interested in exploring, you will also have a chance to share," she explains. "For example, 'I’ve been really enjoying when we’ve played with different toys, and was thinking I'd like to try _______. What do you think? What are you enjoying most about our sex life right now? Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try?'"

In the same vein, Stewart suggests bringing the subject up casually or teasingly, with phrases like, "I love how strong your hands are. I think they would be great giving me a spanking. Don't you think?"

You can even explore the possibilities within kink together, by looking through kink activities or kinky porn online together. Javay Frye-Nekrasova points out that Lovehoney's Instagram posts a number of kink ideas, and that "you can send them to your partner to start the conversation and gauge their interests all while showing them different toys and products you would be interested in using with them." She also recommends taking a BDSM Test "to figure out what exactly you both are interested in and where you align or differ in terms of kinks."

Meet the Experts

Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, is a sex educator, pleasure professional, and sex expert for Lovehoney. Specializing in pleasure, communication, and sex toys, she is passionate about making comprehensive sex education accessible for all and is in the process of earning a PhD in Human Sexuality from the California Institute of Integral Studies. Her research focuses on sex work, porn, as well as the relationship between the media and society's understanding of sexuality. She also provides sex education via YouTube and social media for her digital series, In Bed With a Millennial. You can find her on Instagram here: @MillennialSexpert.

Dr. Holly Richmond is certified sex therapist as well as a licensed marriage and family therapist. She has a PhD in Somatic Psychology and, through her work, aids clients with relationship and sexuality concerns through a unique combination of cognitive and somatic, or body-based, means. 

Marla Renee Stewart, MA is a professional sexologist and intimacy/relationship/sex coach. In addition to working as a speaker and author on these topics, she is also a sexpert for the sexual wellness brand Lovers ,owns a sexual education company called Velvet Lips, and is a faculty member at Clayton State University, where she teaches Sociology and Women’s and Gender Studies. Co-Founder of the Sex Down South Conference and a board member of both PARK Reproductive Justice NOW! and the Diverse Sexualities and Research Education Institute, Stewart is passionate about bringing together diverse voices in order to spread sexual education and liberation.

You may also know Stewart from the media: She has been featured on over 60 podcasts and and television shows, making appearances on the likes of Netflix’s Trigger Warning with Killer Mike, VH1's Love & HipHop Atlanta, GPB's Personal Injury Court, and Oxygen's Bad Girls Club: Atlanta. In addition, she also sits on the Boards for SPARK Reproductive Justice NOW! and the Diverse Sexualities and Research Education Institute.

Canadian-born Angie Rowntree is an award-winning indie filmmaker who pivoted into ethical porn when she founded Sssh.com, a porn site that exclusively produces ethical, feminist material. The site has won numerous awards and is the longest running feminist porn site on the internet.

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